Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Lord Has Given and The Lord Has Taken Away...

I never made a formal announcement here on this blog, but I was 16 weeks pregnant, due August 21st with our third little blessing.  Last Friday I started bleeding and immediately went to the doctor.  We found out that there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing around 13 weeks.  I will be having a D&C on Monday.  I chose to have this procedure done because it was the safest and best option for how far along I am.  Pregnancies this far along don’t pass naturally without much risk.  

What I’ve been feeling...
- That this was my last pregnancy and I will never be pregnant again.  It is hard dealing with that fact.  I was trying to enjoy this pregnancy knowing it would be my last.
- That we will not be able to have any more biological children.  We were very happy with the idea of having three children and we waited for Mark to get his snip until I was past my 12th week and we confirmed that everything was going well with the baby.  At 12 weeks we saw his heartbeat and saw him dancing around in my womb.  We got a vasectomy 2 days later.  The baby died at 13ish weeks.  It just seems like a very cruel twist of fate.
- That I will never be able to meet the little baby that was growing inside me for 13 weeks

- That I’m relieved in some ways.
- That I actually laughed a lot the day we found out. It is odd how a morbid sense of humor comes out in these situations.
- That I didn’t fully bond with the baby the way Mark did.  I think I always knew from the very beginning that something was wrong and wouldn’t allow myself to fully connect until I saw that sweet little face on this side of my womb. 
- I don’t, however, have any guilt about causing it...I know the miscarriage statistics and how common they are in normal healthy women (1 in 3 pregnancies).  I know I didn’t do anything to cause it.

- That I have two beautiful happy little boys to hug and kiss
- That I have an amazingly supportive husband who just wants to sit next to me while I cry
- That I was prepared for this event in so many different ways:
      • My memory verse for the morning I started the miscarriage (before I knew anything would happen hours later) was from James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in your so that you may be mature, and complete, not lacking in anything.”
      • My Mothering By Heart church moms group spoke on the topic of miscarriage only 4 weeks ago.  I took detailed notes during Colleen’s talk and am now clinging to those notes along with my Bible (and Mark’s arm).

- To get this ordeal behind me - though I know it’s wildly unrealistic to think this will be “behind me” anytime soon
- To start losing weight - I’ve gained 20 lbs with no baby to nurse the fat away.  I’m going to have to do lose weight the old fashioned way of eating less and moving more.  Until then, I have to wear maternity clothes, since that’s all that fits me right now.
- To know what the future holds to see if we’ll ever have any more children - either through a biological miracle (Vas. fail all the time!) or adoption.  Mark and I are not familiar with the feeling of not knowing what the future holds and it’s a bit unsettling.

...May the Name of the Lord be Praised.

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