In many ways I feel like a child when it comes to my relationship with God. I suppose that God designed it this way, so that when we become parents we could have a tiny bit of insight into how we relate to Him and how He relates to us. And that once we realize that we are but children of our Father, that we would be humbled.
It's no secret that Mark and I are trying to get pregnant. Things are not happening as quickly as I would like them to, but it's only upsetting me because I have the same I want that now! mindset that my almost-2-year old has.
But what happens when I don't get what I want? Well, over the past month or so I've been having a tantrum. No, I haven't been kicking and screaming on the floor (like some people around here), but I have allowed myself to slip into the kind of thinking that God warns us not to have because I haven't gotten what I want. I've been allowing myself to complain, if only to my husband and close friends. I've allowed myself to compare my situation (namely, being un-pregnant) with others around me - and believe me, there are lots of people around me who are pregnant with whom I have been comparing. I've allowed myself to wish life were otherwise - I wish I had my third baby with us this Christmas, instead of "only" two children. And I have been dwelling on tomorrow, instead of today, by allowing myself to become preoccupied with trying to get pregnant.
Obviously, all that complaining, wishing, and dwelling isn't getting me anywhere, except maybe depressed. The holidays were hard for me because it was the week of Christmas I realized that I wasn't pregnant this month and it made me very sad.
Well, one lesson I've learned in the past year is that I only hurt myself when I keep "private" matters to myself and don't allow others to give input. So I shared some of my frustrations with a good friend, who directed me to this book: Calm My Anxious Heart. Thanks to Amazon Prime, the book arrived on my doorstep two days later and I've torn through the first two chapters and study guide, and have committed some very important scriptures to memory, like Philippians 4:12-13:
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
and Philippians 4:6-8
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
As strange as it sounds, I am thanking God for not giving me what I want when I want it. If I were pregnant right now, sure I'd have a third child on the way, but my mind and heart would not be in the right place. I would just be like an ungrateful child who is happy for a moment because it got what it wants. In this way, God is teaching me to be content no matter what happens. Even if I never have another child, I need to learn to be content with that. I'm not there yet, but with God's help, I hope to learn the contentment He wishes me to have.