August Surprise

In early August, I got a crazy surprise. I found out that I am pregnant. What?! 

The past seven years have brought us: 

1 late term miscarriage 

6 years of infertility 

1 adoption, and just about to finalize another adoption

So how could I possibly be pregnant now? After all this time?

I didn't believe the first pregnancy test. It was about three years outdated and I figured it was just bad. So I bought two new tests. Both those were positive. I still didn't believe it! I talked my (reluctant) OB into ordering me a blood test. When that came back positive, I sort of believed it. I still thought I might just be having some kind of weird hormone issues (even though several, and very patient, nurse practitioners explained that if the blood test said I was pregnant, then I'm pregnant!) Two weeks later, we got an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. Only then did I finally truly believe that I was pregnant. 

Now that I am 12 weeks, and past the high risk of miscarriage, I am finally starting to enjoy my pregnancy. It has finally sunk in that I am pregnant. But sometimes I still wake up in disbelief at my growing tummy. I'll look in the mirror to make sure it's not all in my head. That I am pregnant now after going through so much is incredible to me. 

Here's our story in a nutshell...

We had two boys 15 months apart and got unexpectedly pregnant with #3 when the youngest was just 9 months old. Three kids in 2 years was enough for us (we thought). so husband got a V. We lost the baby at 18 weeks. We were devastated. But still we were okay with two. 

Then God changed our hearts to desire a larger family, so husband got a reversal. Two years later, nothing. Turns out there was a problem with *me*. How ironic. So we turned to adoption. 

Our plan was to wait for a clean, low-risk adoption to come up. God's plan was for us to spend that time fostering babies. He changed my heart yet again to be happy caring for sweet babies I knew I would never keep. We cared for 10 babies and then got our Lucy. Then 4 more babies before our Katie came along. 

And now I'm pregnant. After 6 years of infertility. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I am thankful that the Lord makes my plans and has written my story. His story is so much better than anything I could have imagined.

Here's our little Poppy at 11 weeks.  There's not much to see in the photo, but in person we heard a strong heartbeat and saw him wiggling all around. It is still so incredible to me!

Infertility

"Mark and I are seeing a specialist for infertility."....That is one sentence I never thought I'd say. Infertility is one of those things that happens to other people, not to me. Especially because pregnancy has always come so easy to me. It took us only six months to conceive Tommy, three months for Ben, and zero months for Samuel since he was a surprise. How could infertility happen to someone like me? Well, apparently, it's not all that uncommon for someone like me to become infertile for seemingly no reason at all. It's so common, in fact, that there's a name for it: secondary infertility, which affects about 3 million Americans.


To give a brief history: two-and-a-half years ago we were four months pregnant with our third son when Mark got a vasectomy. We (foolishly) decided that three kids in two-and-a-half years was enough for us. Two weeks after his vasectomy, we lost our son. A few months later, God changed our minds and our hearts about children and gave us the desire for more children. We got Mark's vasectomy reversed and have been trying to conceive ever since. That was almost two years ago.


After trying the old fashioned way to conceive a child for about fifteen months, we finally sought the help of a specialist. We went through a battery of lab tests (both Mark and I) and ultrasounds (just me). After all the tests, the doctor didn't yet have a clear idea of what the problem was. So we tried a fertility drug (Clomid) for three months  to see if it would help move things along. It didn't. In fact, it didn't affect me much at all, besides giving me crazy mood swings one week out of every month. In addition to that other week that gives most women crazy mood swings. After all the tests and after seeing how my body reacted to Clomid, the doctor's best guess is that my ovaries are aging at a much quicker rate than my chronological age - they're behaving as if I'm 40, even though I'm only 28.


There have been a lot of different thoughts and feelings churning around in my head for these past eighteen months. To use a cliché, it's been a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Since the beginning, I've been struggling to be content with my two children and not want any more. I've prayed for a long time that if more children weren't in God's plan for our family, that He would take away that desire. By now I've realized that maybe this was not very realistic, and so I've settled for being content in waiting for God's plan to unfold, whatever it may be. Then over a period of six months God shifted my heart away from yearning to be pregnant - I still desired a larger family, but I would be happy with any child, adopted or biological. This was a huge milestone for me! 


And then, just when I adjusted to being content not to be pregnant, we started the process for Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) - a labor-intensive process to get me pregnant. Go figure. I was feeling confused and anxious about everything, to say the least. I was very close to deciding against doing IUI because the odds of success seemed so low and the risks and effort involved seemed so daunting. In a nutshell, the 'work' involves several blood tests to check hormone levels, daily drug injections, and driving 45-minutes each way for almost-daily ultrasounds for two weeks. It was the advice of a few more-mature ladies that convinced me the risks and the work involved were worth pursuing. Our first cycle of IUI takes place this week, and we'll see if it was successful in about two more weeks. We've decided to pursue IUI for only three months. 


The Lord has used this trial to teach me so much about how to deal with life when it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. These are some verses He has used with me:


"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
This verse doesn't say to give thanks only when things are going well. It says to give thanks in all circumstances. So the Lord has shown me what I can be thankful for in our infertility journey: having lots of help with the boys when we have to go in for our numerous doctor visits; Mark's amazing health insurance benefit that covers about 97% of all of our costs. Without his coverage, we wouldn't be able to afford even a single doctor visit, let alone the slew of ultrasounds, medication, tests, etc.; friends who have gone before me in this journey who have given counsel and comfort.


"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." (Colossians 3:2)
I need to be reminded on a constant basis that adding more children to my family is not the defining thing of my life. The defining thing in my life is the fact that Jesus took the blame for my sins and now I can look forward spending eternity with Him. Whether or not I have more children is a small blip on the radar of eternity. 


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5)
and
"...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
When hard decisions have to be made, it is very easy for me to feel overwhelmed and anxious about what the "right" choice is. But when the Lord helps me put my trust in His power to make His will known to me and His perfect plan unfold without my "help", I can let go and allow the His peace to fill my heart.


"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Phillipians 4:8)
There have been plenty of times that I've driven home from a doctor appointment thinking things were hopeless and we'd never have any more kids. Now, this wasn't necessarily true based on the information I'd received. My thoughts just usually lead to the worst possible outcome if I don't keep them in check. Sometimes it's all I can do to just keep running the words, "...whatever is true..." through my head to keep my thoughts in line with the facts that are known. 


In the end, there are a few options of things that could happen:
1. The IUI could be successful and I could get pregnant sometime in the next three months.
2. The IUI could be unsuccessful and I could never have any more children.
3. The IUI could be unsuccessful and God may choose to open my womb and bless me with children at some later time.
4. At some point we could be blessed with the finances to afford adoption.


I can say that right now I could be content with any of these eventualities. Option #2 would be the hardest to deal with, but God will give me the grace to accept His plan. Whatever happens will be within God's sovereignty and will be part of his good and perfect plan for my life. 

One final scripture that has given me comfort, from Habakkuk 3:17-19:


Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
he makes me tread on my high places
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;

This Time Last Year

This time last year, I woke up in the early dawn hour and decided to take a pregnancy test because my next cycle was a few days late, not really expecting it to be positive. To my utter shock, it was positive. I was pregnant with our third child, to be born in August of this year, when our other boys were only 2 1/2 and 18 months old.


To think that I actually cried miserable, bitter tears at finding out I was pregnant grieves me today and shows me just how far I've come since this time last year.  It grieves me not because I want a third child so much now when I didn't then, but because my tears meant that I wasn't relying on my Savior a year ago.  I didn't give my problems over to Him, cry at His feet, and put myself in His caring arms.  I simply cried because "I'd done this to myself", as if it was my doing and not God's anyway. 


To be honest, with the holidays here, my loss has hit me again, hard, like a ton of bricks.  A day does not go by that I don't think of my baby and mourn him.  But this time I am sitting brokenhearted at my Savior's feet instead of crying alone, like I did this time last year.  I am casting my sorrows on Him and am asking Him to heal my heart.

My Testimony

Autumn’s Testimony
Delivered at Mothering By Heart, Oct. 26, 2009

My Life Before Christ:
Up until recently, my life has always been very easy, where all my plans succeeded and nothing ever went wrong. This made it easy to solve my small problems by myself.

I was raised in Connecticut by a single mom. My mom accepted Christ when I was 4 and we started going to church. I went to a Christian school for kindergarten. I accepted Christ the same year, when I was 5. I don’t remember much about the experience, except that it happened at church. This didn’t turn me into a perfect child, but I did feel the Holy Spirit constantly tugging on my conscience.

I remember feeling horribly guilty every time I did something I knew was wrong, like talking about someone behind their back or telling a lie. I also remember feeling a distinct sense of injustice when another child was being made fun of and would (usually) do what I could to stand up for them. I know that if God’s Holy Spirit were not part of my life, I would have just shrunk into the background and not said anything. I remember praying a lot. I told all my non-Christian friends that they were sinners who needed to be saved by Jesus (I’m sure their parents loved that!) I really loved going to church and to Sunday School.

But as the years went on through elementary school, middle school, and high school, we went to church less and less until finally we never went at all. Then I transferred from my Christian school that I went to until 4th grade to a public school in a new city in 5th grade.

As time went on, I stopped praying and reading my Bible. I wasn’t surrounded by Christians on a regular basis anymore and I found myself mirroring the world’s attitudes instead of God’s commandments. I wasn’t “bad” per se, I didn’t do drugs, drink or party, and I was considered one of the “good girls” of my high school class. But I was very selfish, moody, disrespectful to my mother, and I just always felt unhappy. I remember only having happy days when everything went exactly the way I wanted it, which obviously was very rare. But I still had a pretty easy and uncomplicated life.

I graduated from public high school, went to college, and met my husband during this time. We courted and were married in record time. It was 6 months from the time we first spoke until we were engaged, and 3 more months until we were married.

Our first year was pretty normal as newlyweds. We lived in Connecticut while I finished up my last year of college. I’m sad to say that God was not the center of our lives or the center of our marriage. We prayed now and then, like if someone was very sick, or if we really wanted something, but not much more beyond that. We never sought God’s will or acknowledged that we needed His help. We went to church sporadically but never found a home church while we lived in Connecticut. We had the minor growing pains that all newlyweds have as they learn to live with a new person and learn each other’s quirks.

I graduated college in May 2005 and the same day we started driving our Camry westward to begin our new life in CA. Our second year of marriage brought my pregnancy with Tommy, who will be 3 later this week. Again, our conceiving a child came and went without a hitch and life was pretty good. Having a newborn was a very easy transition for me and I took to motherhood pretty easily.

When Tommy was only 6 months old, we conceived Ben (on purpose), and just a few months later moved to Morgan Hill from Santa Clara and started attending West Hills Community Church the second weekend we were in town.

How Christ drew me in:
It was when we joined West Hills and I starting attending Mothering by Heart that I heard a speaker talk about the huge responsibility we have as parents, and particularly as moms, to teach our children about Christ and to foster in them a relationship with God:

Deuteronomy 6:6: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

This was the first time I read or heard this passage and it was the first turning point in my life that urged me learn more about God. I felt Him calling me to get to know Him better so that I could teach my children about Him. I knew the first step was to read my Bible, so I began reading through the New Testament, and most of the books I read for the first time in my life.

I started attending Bible study on Wednesday mornings. I read everything I could about how to be a godly mother and wife. Although I read a lot of good advice and learned a lot, it was difficult for me to apply what I learned in every day situations with my kids.

Trials of Having Two Kids:
By this time, Ben was born and now I had 2 children, a 15 month old an a newborn.
I never knew fatigue, frustration, and impatience like I did parenting two children under the age of two. For the first 6 months of Ben’s life, I literally had no free time for myself. This was very difficult for me to deal with. I remember putting one child down for a nap, and then hoping I had enough time for a catnap, would lay down on the couch, only to be woken up 5 minutes later by the other child waking up from his nap.

I was angry all the time, in a bad mood, and my home was definitely not a fun place to be in. I displayed anger and impatience I did not even know I had in me. I was not enjoying my children and I’m sure others noticed my impatience.  I was not living according to the Bible which says in:

James 1:19-20: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Ephesians 4:2: Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

I definitely was not being humble or gentle, and I wasn’t bearing with my children in love. By this time Tommy was 2, Ben was 9 months old, and I found out I was pregnant with our third child, a huge surprise, and not a good one. I cried for about an hour when I saw that positive pregnancy test. I didn’t know how I was going to deal with three children, especially ones so young and close together when I could barely deal with the two I had.

Just before this point, Mark and I were pretty sure we didn’t want any more than two children and were even thinking of getting a vasectomy. When we found out we were pregnant, we signed up for a vasectomy right away, which we did this past February. I’m ashamed now to think about how I reacted to what I now realize was God’s blessing of another child and an opportunity to rely on Him for all my needs. Instead of leaning on God for all of our needs, we made sure we couldn’t have any more children.

Trusting in God through my trial:
My pregnancy went along smoothly just like my previous two. We heard the heartbeat and saw ultrasounds at 8 and 12 weeks and everything seemed to be going well. But at 16 weeks we lost that baby. My charmed life was over. This was a problem I could not solve on my own. I could not get through this on my own power. This trial literally brought me to my knees. I clung to God and to His Word like I never did before in my life. I told God that I needed His help and could not live without Him.

We were studying the book of James in Wednesday morning Bible study and my memory verse for the day I began to miscarry was from James 1:2:
“Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I didn’t exactly know what that meant at the time, to consider this trial as ‘pure joy’, but God gave me the grace to do it anyway. He was faithful to fulfill the promise written in James and used this trial to grow me into a more mature Christian. I did not want this experience to go by without learning something from it, so I prayed for God to give me wisdom:

James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

One of the things God taught me was to rely on Him for EVERYTHING. Since then, I have been asking Him for wisdom for every little thing. I ask for daily wisdom and patience with my children and He is faithful to give me the strength to stay calm in even the craziest situations. I remember one day in particular when, in the space of about 2 hours, my 18 month old poured water all over the bathroom floor, stomped in dog poo outside and tracked it all over the house, poured juice out in the grocery store, broke a bowl, which he helpfully tried to put in the sink, and stomped blueberries into the carpet. Eight months ago that would have been enough to send me over the edge, but because of God’s grace I was able to laugh about it all and stay calm.

I ask for wisdom and discernment in my discipline. I even ask for wisdom about how to organize my time at home. Ever since I had children, I couldn't seem to find the time to get everything done I needed to get done: make nutritious meals, keep my house clean, spend quality time with my children. When I asked for wisdom about it, instead of trying to figure it out myself, God led me to a way to organize my daily schedule so that I get everything done and still have time to relax.

Before, when I needed wisdom about a childrearing issue, I would do online research or ask moms on parenting boards what they thought I should do. Now I go to God first and ask Him what He would have me do, and He is faithful to guide me to the right path.

God shows me His faithfulness:
Most recently I came to God for wisdom on how to expand our family. I felt He placed the desire on my heart to have more children which is a miracle itself! Since Mark had had a vasectomy and was against having it reversed, I asked God for wisdom about adoption. I researched adoption and learned all I could about it, but the closer I got to making that first step towards it, the more uneasy I felt about that decision. I felt this was God leading me away from this option.

I still felt strongly that God wanted us to have more children, so I began asking Him earnestly to change Mark’s heart so he would want a reversal. I never talked to Mark about it, but only went to God in prayer. After a few weeks, one day out of the blue Mark told me that he wanted a reversal and that he had even done research about it and had chosen a doctor to do the procedure! Mark’s reversal was 2 months ago and now we are waiting on the Lord to bless us with another child.

Gospel message & Conclusion:
I have no doubt that I accepted Christ when I was 5 years old. He changed who I was. But being so young I did not have the maturity or the support I needed to grow as much as I could have. And so two decades later, God gave me a trial that presented a fork in the road as a follower of Christ. I could have chosen to blame God for my tragedy. I chose to trust Him.

We live in a sad world that we cannot control. Christ is the only way to find true peace. Christ can give you peace. But first you need forgiveness and a relationship with God. I realized that I was a sinner who needed to be saved from God’s judgement when I die.

If you don’t know Christ, there is nothing more important than accepting that His death and resurrection have paid the penalty for all your sins. If you would like to talk to someone about your relationship with God, your table leaders would love to help you. Since realizing that I am nothing without God and cannot do anything without His help, my life has such incredible peace. Every day is a happy day. My happiness flows from this peace and grace that God gives me, not from whether everything is going the way I like it.

Answered Prayer

Here’s the quick news:  Mark is getting a vasectomy reversal next month, on August 12!!  This means that we can start trying to get pregnant again starting in September! Read on for full details...

Disclaimer:

I know this is a very long post, but I felt I couldn't cut any of the details out without defeating the purpose of it, which is to glorify God. So if you want to read about God's work in my life and how He has changed, uplifted, sustained, and been faithful to our family, keep reading!

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I scarcely even know where to begin. Let me try to begin by telling you about my prayers for the past 5 months since my miscarriage.Not knowing what to pray about at first, I simply prayed that God would give me wisdom and show me what I could learn from the experience.Besides learning the obvious, which is how to care for people going through a miscarriage experience, He began changing my thinking about family size.  He seriously changed my thinking.  


You see, before the fatigue of pregnancy ever graced my body, I always thought I wanted four kids.  It just seemed like a good number.  After we had Tommy, we didn’t even wait three months before decided the little guy was so great that we wanted more.  The plan was to have two children close together, wait a few years, and have two more close together.  


Then Ben came along and my world came crashing down.  I never knew fatigue, frustration, and impatience like I did parenting two children under age two.  For the first 6 months of Ben’s life, I literally had no free time for myself.  I don’t mean I didn’t have time to get a pedicure or browse the bookstore, I mean I couldn’t sit down on the couch for 5 minutes to catch my breath and read a few pages of a book that wasn’t about parenting.  I displayed anger I never even knew I possessed.  As the months wore on, things got a little better.  With God’s help, I took control of my anger and reconciled my lack of free time.  And as the months wore on, the boys got a little more independent and I established a solid routine, life got a little easier, but was still very difficult and energy-draining.  I began thinking that I never wanted children again, because it would only be more of this.  


I went off my birth control pills (long story) and began searching for alternative, non-hormonal forms of contraception.  There wasn’t anything we felt comfortable using, so we began talking about taking permanent measures to ensure we could never get pregnant again.  We talked seriously about a vasectomy, but never felt like it was the right way to go.  Then I got pregnant with Samuel in December and we thought that was the confirmation that a V. was the right thing to do.  We prayed about it now and then, but did not wait for an answer from God that it was indeed the right thing.  That was our first mistake.  


Fast forward to after the miscarriage in March.  I was down to only two children again just when I was beginning to get used to the idea of three children. This is when God started to change my thinking about the burden of children.  I began to pay closer attention to larger families (4+ kids by my definition) at church whose children were polite and well-behaved, and whose mothers did not seem to be the frazzled mess I always envisioned would be the case with so many children.  Mark and I heard a mother and father of four grown, God-fearing children talk about the joys of raising a large family and the harvest of blessings so many children bring later in their lives.  We felt our hearts desperately desiring more children.  


No longer did more children equal messiness, disarray, impatience, less time to ourselves, less ability to buy nice things, a cramped house, and unstable finances.  Now, more children meant relying on God for our needs.  


If we felt we couldn’t emotionally handle more children, that meant we needed to bring our needs to God and ask for help.  If my current children were not behaving in a way that made me want more children, it meant I needed to be more diligent in my discipline, and rely on God for patience and wisdom in this area.  If I was worried more children would mean less free time for myself, I need to change my priorities.  After all, the world tells me that everything is about me...I need me time, I need to do what makes me happy.  But that is not what God tells us.  He tells us that we find our strength in Him alone. He is our rock. He is our fortress. We find our rest in HIM. 


Now that my heart had been changed to want more children, the next step was to figure out where these children would come from.  A reversal was out of the question because Mark had such a traumatic experience with the first surgery.  We briefly, but very seriously, considered adoption.  We talked with families at church who had adopted and thought this was the best route. But this door was closed quickly and I was heartbroken at first, thinking my chances of having more children were gone.  


So I began to pray.  I prayed for miracle to happen in Mark so that we could get pregnant.  I prayed that either his vasectomy would miraculously reverse or that he would change his mind about the surgical reversal.  I prayed like my life depended on it, many times throughout the day.  And God answered my prayers.  


Without me knowing it, Mark started to research reversals and learned everything he could about it.  He even learned about the doctors and narrowed down a short list to contact. When he told me he wanted to get the surgery, I was thrilled, but I can’t say I was surprised.


So now we are getting a reversal.  The surgery is scheduled for next month, August 12, which amazingly is the same week I was due with Samuel and also two days before our 5th wedding anniversary.  It will be done in Oklahoma by a Christian doctor who charges very little for the surgery because reversals are his ministry.  The doctor himself has a very high success rate, and Mark’s reversal is very likely to be successful because the first surgery was done so recently.  The earliest I could possibly get pregnant is probably October, so keep a lookout for a pregnancy announcement!

Two Weeks Later...

It’s been two weeks since my miscarriage on Sunday, March 8th.  I’ve been able to gain a little bit of perspective about my experience.  I no longer burst into tears at the mere thought of losing my baby, or at the sight of a pregnant woman.  I’m feeling a bit more “normal” every day. Every day that gets me further away from March 8th is a better day.


Here’s what I’ve been feeling...
Optimistic:
- I’m really looking forward to having a fun summer with my boys.  Before all this happened, Mark and I were planning on going away alone together for a few days before the chaos of having 3 kids started.  Now we are planning to spend about 4 days in San Diego with the boys.  
- I’m looking forward to enjoying my boys better now that I have more energy to play with them and more space for them in my mind 
-I can start working hard on getting my pre-pre-pre pregnancy body back now that I know I’ll never be pregnant again.  In only 3 years, I’ve been up 40 lbs (Tommy’s pregnancy), then down 25 lbs, then up another 20 lbs (Ben’s pregnancy), then down 30 lbs, then up 15 lbs.  My poor body needs a break!
-I’m looking forward to clearing out all the baby clothes we have (about 6 boxes worth in the garage!) and giving them to someone who can use them.
- To see my son in Heaven someday
-To see what plans God has for me


Guilt/Sadness:
- For feeling optimistic
- For enjoying myself in ways that I couldn’t while I was pregnant


Here’s what I’ve been doing:
- I’ve lost 10 lbs since March 6 (the day we found out our baby had died)
- I am eating healthy.  I was eating healthy food before, but was also allowing myself some treats and extra portions.  Not any more.  
- I work out at the gym three times a week doing strength training to tone muscles that have been wrecked by childbirth
- I walk at least 1.5 miles every day, often more
- Housework!  I’ve been so tired the past 4 months that I haven’t been able to keep my house as tidy as Mark and I like.  Now that I have energy, our house is looking a lot better and is more enjoyable to be in.

Goodbye, Samuel

The following post is not for the weak of stomach.  It is meant to explain in written word the journey Mark and I have been through the past 2 days, so that I don’t have to go through the painful task of reliving the events in face-to-face conversation. 

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My D&C was scheduled for this morning at 10 am, but I never made it that far.  I had painful cramping Saturday night and all day Sunday, and staying completely still was the only thing that seemed to keep the cramping at bay.  What I didn’t realize is that the “cramps” were actually contractions and that I was most likely in labor the whole day.  Around 8 pm, my water broke while I was sitting on the couch and I delivered the baby just a few minutes later.  It was a little boy, Samuel.  

We rushed off to the emergency room where I was checked and rechecked every which way to determine whether any “products of conception” were left behind.  Meanwhile, Samuel was taken to Pathology.  


After a few hours of tests, it was determined that there was some tissue left behind and that I would need a D&C after all.  Unfortunately, general anesthesia was not an option, but the doctor assured me that the drugs he could offer me would put me in such a state so that I wouldn’t remember anything.  In reality, they only made me slightly drowsy and I do remember the entire procedure vividly.  Luckily, however, I didn’t feel much more than heavy pressure.  


I was able to go home 30 minutes after the procedure. As we were leaving, God sent an angel to minister to us. All the nurses were very kind, but this one was a God-send. She had 2 boys, went through a similar situation as us, and then adopted another boy to create a very happy family. We sat a few rows in front of her at our church  in the same service for a few months, yet never met her before tonight. Amid all the tears, despair, fatigue and blood, she raised our spirits and gave us hope.


We finally got home around 2:30 am. I slept all of 3 hours that night.


Physically, I feel better than I have in many days.  Emotionally, I tend to vacillate between raw sorrow and cool indifference.  If I dwell on the physical experience or think about how my baby Samuel is not with me anymore, will never know his brothers, and that I won’t have my dream of a posse of boys wrecking my house, I lose it.  So I try to focus my thoughts on the present and with what is true, not on all that could have been.


I know my sweet baby boy is safely in the arms of my Father and that I will meet him someday and he will be able to meet his brothers.


For now, I put my hope in the promises that God works all things for good according to his purpose, and that if there is anything I don’t understand, I just need to ask for wisdom.


As for the future, we are sure that it is in God’s plan for us to adopt someday.  It is something we have been thinking about for a few years.  Now that certain doors are closed, we look forward to what new doors God might open.

The Lord Has Given and The Lord Has Taken Away...

I never made a formal announcement here on this blog, but I was 16 weeks pregnant, due August 21st with our third little blessing.  Last Friday I started bleeding and immediately went to the doctor.  We found out that there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing around 13 weeks.  I will be having a D&C on Monday.  I chose to have this procedure done because it was the safest and best option for how far along I am.  Pregnancies this far along don’t pass naturally without much risk.  


What I’ve been feeling...
Sadness:
- That this was my last pregnancy and I will never be pregnant again.  It is hard dealing with that fact.  I was trying to enjoy this pregnancy knowing it would be my last.
- That we will not be able to have any more biological children.  We were very happy with the idea of having three children and we waited for Mark to get his snip until I was past my 12th week and we confirmed that everything was going well with the baby.  At 12 weeks we saw his heartbeat and saw him dancing around in my womb.  We got a vasectomy 2 days later.  The baby died at 13ish weeks.  It just seems like a very cruel twist of fate.
- That I will never be able to meet the little baby that was growing inside me for 13 weeks


Guilt:
- That I’m relieved in some ways.
- That I actually laughed a lot the day we found out. It is odd how a morbid sense of humor comes out in these situations.
- That I didn’t fully bond with the baby the way Mark did.  I think I always knew from the very beginning that something was wrong and wouldn’t allow myself to fully connect until I saw that sweet little face on this side of my womb. 
- I don’t, however, have any guilt about causing it...I know the miscarriage statistics and how common they are in normal healthy women (1 in 3 pregnancies).  I know I didn’t do anything to cause it.


Thankfulness:
- That I have two beautiful happy little boys to hug and kiss
- That I have an amazingly supportive husband who just wants to sit next to me while I cry
- That I was prepared for this event in so many different ways:
      • My memory verse for the morning I started the miscarriage (before I knew anything would happen hours later) was from James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in your so that you may be mature, and complete, not lacking in anything.”
      • My Mothering By Heart church moms group spoke on the topic of miscarriage only 4 weeks ago.  I took detailed notes during Colleen’s talk and am now clinging to those notes along with my Bible (and Mark’s arm).


Impatience:
- To get this ordeal behind me - though I know it’s wildly unrealistic to think this will be “behind me” anytime soon
- To start losing weight - I’ve gained 20 lbs with no baby to nurse the fat away.  I’m going to have to do lose weight the old fashioned way of eating less and moving more.  Until then, I have to wear maternity clothes, since that’s all that fits me right now.
- To know what the future holds to see if we’ll ever have any more children - either through a biological miracle (Vas. fail all the time!) or adoption.  Mark and I are not familiar with the feeling of not knowing what the future holds and it’s a bit unsettling.


...May the Name of the Lord be Praised.